9.09.2014

NFL '14

I am back with a sports post. Don't hold your breath; I understand how greatly you have been anticipating this moment. QUICK ASIDE: living in Oklahoma for over a year has me tempted to turn that "you" into a "you all." Fuck it. Cultural assimilation is a phenomenon which takes absolutely no prisoners. Especially those who fancy themselves as contrarian, highly independent motherfuckers (yours truly). 

So without any pretense or apology, here is my amped-up NFL predictions post for the 2014 season. I am surrounded by college football freaks in the Sooner State, and can't really indulge in my love for professional football with anyone around me. This is my catharsis. There is a very short list of things I enjoy more than wasting every Sunday in the Fall sitting on the couch all day watching football and compulsively checking my shitty fantasy team. The NFL has the most unique hype-structure of all professional sports. Since games are only played once a week, six days per week are allotted for rumors, predictions, and anticipation. No other sport comes close to the level of addictiveness this structure provides. 


My favorite team is the Buffalo Bills. Perennially mediocre, they own the streak for the longest active playoff drought in the NFL. They last made the playoffs when Y2K was a legitimate doomsday threat (1999). But I am drawn to them for a number of reasons. They are one of the most unlikely American cities to be home to a major-sports team (yes, I know fucking Green Bay, Wisconsin is weirder). They underscore an overlooked geographical region (upstate New York). They possesses an inherently pissed-off and dejected fanbase (depressingly long and cold winters, Buffalo defining the fabled crumbling industrial-Northeastern-working-class city). Perhaps most importantly, they have such an aesthetically pleasing city-nickname combination (Buffalo Bills Buffalo Bills Buffalo Bills). Despite not hailing from upstate New York and becoming a Bills fan by choice, I have willingly adopted the misery of being a Buffalo Bills fan. But, since the Bills are never THE WORST team in the league, fans always have cause for a sliver of cautious optimism. A vicious, unrelenting cycle ensues. The ebb and flow of being a sports fan reflects life.  

As for the picks: I need to record these somewhere on the internet so I can brag to (no one) when my picks are 100% accurate come early February. Week 1 snuck up on me and is already in the books, please mock my biases accordingly. 

Fuck Ray Rice forever. 

AFC EAST 
1. New England Patriots
2. Buffalo Bills 
3. Miami Dolfin 
4. NY Jets

AFC NORTH
1. Baltimore Ravens 
2. Cincinnati Bengals
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Cleveland Browns

AFC SOUTH 
1. Indianapolis Colts
2. Houston Texans- Wild Card
3. Tennessee Titans
4. Jacksonville Jagz

AFC WEST
1. Denver Broncos
2. San Diego Chargers- Wild Card
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Kansas City Chiefs

NFC EAST
1. Philadelphia Eagles
2. Washington Redskins
3. Dallas Cowboys
4. New York Giants

NFC NORTH
1. Green Bay Packers 
2. Detroit Lions
3. Minnesota Vikings
4. Chicago Bears 

NFC SOUTH 
1. New Orleans Saints 
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. Tampa Bay Bux

NFC WEST
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers- Wild Card
3. Arizona Cardinals- Wild Card
4. St. Louis Rams

...On some surprises. The Buffalo Bills, of course, will surge to somewhere around 8-8 and a second-place finish in the mediocre AFC East. EJ Manuel is an above average NFL QB, contrary to all the h8ers he's accumulated over the offseason...The Baltimore Ravens will unite over the Ray Rice banishment and be the most pissed off team in the most perennially pissed-off division in football, rebounding to 10-6 and a home playoff game...The Kansas City Chiefs' epic playoff collapse in January carries into the season and their weak overall roster and offseason defensive subtractions are exposed at the bottom of the AFC West...In 2015, the first year the NFL Draft is not held in New York City, New York's two professional football teams will be selecting 1-2 in the first round. 

PLAYOFF PICKS
Wild Card: Chargers over Colts, Ravens over Texans. Cardinals over Eagles, Packers over 49ers.
Division: Pats over Ravens, Chargers over Broncos. Saints over Packers, Seahawks over Cardinals. 
Conference: Chargers over Pats. Seahawks over Saints. 
Super Bowl: Seahawks over Chargers. 



OMG:
  


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