I had such an incredible time writing about my ten favorite band names that I have returned, two weeks later, to list ten more musical things I enjoy.
My top 10 seven-second album intros!
This does not mean that each one of these selections is a strict, seven-second long intro. No sir. I am just ranking the first seven seconds of albums. What the hell kind of sample size is seven seconds, you ask? As always, I will not offer empirical evidence. Only speculation. But upon my further investigation, it is quite a riveting block of time. I believe that seven seconds is the threshold for committing to something. Think about it. If you think about seven seconds for seven seconds, you'll realize that you're engrossed in thought. Five seconds is a noncommittal flash-in-the-pan when it comes to pondering. But seven seconds can breed an idea. At five seconds you're still mentally processing. At ten seconds you're often neck-deep in an idea. But seven seconds? The minimum spacing-out threshold.
MORE EXAMPLES: I feel like I look at myself in the mirror for seven seconds, after everything is taken care of and sexily groomed. I have no idea how long other humans spend doing this. But for the purposes of this discussion, I am assuming I possess an average amount of vanity (a laughable underestimate). Next: after turning on your car, how long does it take before you put the car in motion? Buckle your seatbelt, quick glance at yourself in the rearview mirror (mirrors are a recurring seven-second theme), check your mirrors for traffic, and boom. Seven seconds. Seven seconds is the amount of time you are allowed to laugh about something before it becomes maniacal. During a marriage proposal, seven seconds equals the appropriate shock-value grace period between the "Will you marry me?" and the response. Anything past seven seconds means the proposer is panicking. Seven seconds seems like the amount of time it takes to make my breakfast in the morning (cereal). Seven consecutive seconds of smiling indicates that you're extremely happy about something (like when you notice a new I've Been Gone a Long Time post). Experiencing anything for seven seconds is just enough time to form an opinion about it. Most importantly, seven seconds is all you need to be hooked on an album.
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| Tasteful portrait of sevens. |
PRO TIP: Read the following paragraph in the most snide, hipster tone you can imagine:
I don't think most people listen to albums. Young music fans live for radio singles, itunes shuffle, and free mediafire downloads. No value is placed in the album as a whole. I am opining that music and singular songs cannot be appreciated fully until experienced within the context of the album it originates from. Musicians release albums, not individual, isolated songs. Whether this is caused by a "that's the way it's always been," type of tradition-ridden culture, or because the sole way for a musician to express themselves is through a collection of songs, I will stand by tradition (for once!!). Whoever dictated/suggested the album format knew a thing or two about the artistic experience.
Now that the album argument is off my chest, it is time to explore the magic of the very first seven seconds of an album. The purpose of this list is almost decidedly anti-album, in that the first seven seconds are all about the hook. I ranted about how albums should be experienced as a whole. Now I'm waxing poetically about seven seconds? Yes, it is hypocritical. But the bottom line is that this is fucking fun to think about. Think of the previous paragraph as more of a disclaimer for this blog post. A killer album intro is much like a great band name. It is a bonus stroke of artistic genius. Icing on the cake.
PERSONAL ANECDOTE: When I'm driving around in my car, I'm listening to CD's. When a CD is over, my car stereo automatically loops back to the beginning. My personal policy is to then remove the CD and put a new one in, affording me ample opportunities to enjoy the many different facets of my CD collection. I am a stickler about it and it's weird. But sometimes, I don't eject the CD right after it ends. And I hear those first seven seconds. And sometimes I let it play out a little longer because those first seven seconds were so exhilarating. And I want to listen to the whole album all over again (alas, I always restrain myself). The reason for this blog post is to honor and pay homage to those moments. The best seven-second hooks. My specifically seven-second rationale: please see the above paragraph beginning with "MORE EXAMPLES." Also, five seconds doesn't give an intro quite enough time to develop. Ten seconds feels like an eternity and like you're already a full-fledged listener of the album. But seven seconds in? Well, that's all you need to experience the most important part of the album.
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| The official mantra of this post. |
SIDE NOTE: After compiling the list, I noticed that only one of these seven-second cuts contains vocals. This happened organically; a vocal ban was not explicitly administered in my criteria. Letting seven seconds pass before incorporating your vocals accentuates them and makes your music more dynamic, most of the time.
So I encourage you to give the following ten intros a shot; if nothing else, pause it at the seven-second mark to humor me. Cumulatively, it will only take seventy seconds of your time. But I'll wager that you'll be sticking around for more. Suspense will have been built and you'll be google-searching the entire album before the song ends.
P.S. if you're not ready to rock, please respectfully close this tab.
(I will list the band and the album name. As, essentially, this list is an ode to the album format. Also I apologize if there is any sort of youtube-related delay. Or advertising. First seven seconds of sound.)
10. The Dillinger Escape Plan- One Of Us Is the Killer
Mind-warping, time-signature slaying destruction. This is hxc, so make sure you're not in a library. Or do, if you want to scare librarians in time for Halloween 2013. Good luck figuring out how to headbang.
9. Tom Waits- Swordfishtrombones
Mischievous, ominous trombones over a singular percussion roll? Check. Best enjoyed with a glass of bourbon.
8. The Hold Steady- Stay Positive
How does one possibly resist the invincible riffing that precedes the best song ever written about getting drunk on top of water towers?
7. Bars of Gold- Of Gold
FULL DISCLOSURE: This is the intro that got me thinking about this list, in my car, about a week ago. Ugly, loud strings expertly crafting a suspenseful aura.
6. Weezer- Pinkerton
Dissonant, chill-inducing guitar squealing. Sets the tone sinisterly for one of the greatest albums of all time. A million times more raw and emotional than any other Weezer album.
5. The Menzingers- On the Impossible Past
The only seven seconds where vocals matter most. Along with the lightly strummed guitar, these seven seconds are the perfect microcosm of an extremely heartfelt, blue-collar album (and one of my all-time faves).
4. The Bronx- S/T
S/T means self-titled. A deceptively quiet and sleazy riff. By the time you've finished turning the volume up to compensate for the seemingly muffled recording quality, you are blasted in the face with punk fury. Good luck.
3. Crime in Stereo- Is Dead
DRUMS.
2. None More Black- Loud About Loathing EP
The lone EP representative on this list, I am extremely excited to be able to rep None More Black for the first time on the pages of this blog. If this song doesn't get your fist pumping and your pint glass swinging back and forth in the air, nothing will. There is not a better album-opening riff known to mankind.
1. blink-182- Dude Ranch
I have never been able to find anything that tops this. I acquired this album the summer after 8th grade. I bought it used at an FYE. I remember popping it into my portable CD player on the car ride home and immediately thinking "WHOA!" No other album, to my knowledge, starts off as full-throttle and unrelenting. Not even a count-off. All instruments playing the chorus immediately. It will never get old.
I hope those were the best seventy seconds of your life. Thank you for reading these words .
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