National Football League '13

Hello again readership. I have returned in a decidedly more prompt fashion this time. I am also now brandishing a mysterious background and color scheme. Intrigued yet? Thank you for not answering. 

DISCLAIMER: this is a sports post. For my non-jock readership, please continue to read this post and critique my writing. This is not an order but a playful request. It is obvious by now that my blogging has something for everyone. I implore you to leave a thoughtful comment at the end of this piece; either disagreeing with my NFL crystal ball or leaving a pleasant conversation-starter. The choice, as they say, is yours. In any event, please enjoy the football team nickname-inspired pics. I took none of these pictures myself. 

I hate the NFL's marketing scheme of "Back to Football." They can't shamelessly dictate what the most important aspect of my life is! Right....? 

But they always win. I just promoted them by offering a link to nfl.com. Whether it was out of spite or subliminal obedience is irrelevant. The NFL is a reprehensible American monopoly, yet I could not be happier sitting around every Sunday afternoon during the fall consuming the action/competition and compulsively checking the progress of my (mostly terrible) fantasy football team's weekly matchup. Have I mentioned that I have an unquenchable thirst for competition? NFL 1, Trav 0. This is also the time of year when I can't stop reading football previews on the internet or in the printed press. I neglect baseball, my supposed true love, during its "stretch run" no less, during the inescapable football hype of September. I am a slave to hype, despite spending my every waking moment attempting to squash it. I long for football season just as much as everyone else in America.

Now that it is apparent I am self-reflective, it is time to toss guilt by the wayside and type out my 2013 NFL predictions. With a self-imposed two-sentence maximum per team. You're welcome?

AFC EAST

3rd place in the AFC East.

1. New England Patriots

• Sages Tom Brady and Bill Belichick spite Aaron Hernandez and their perennially terrible defense with another comfortable divisional crown in a suddenly mediocre division.

2. Buffalo Bills

• Yes, I am a Billz fan and yes, this is a sentimental pick but rookie QB EJ Manuel's "intangibles," not to mention RB CJ Spiller's breakout potential have been omnipresent talking points this off-season. I'm rolling with that. 

3. Miami Dolphins

• Somehow simultaneously overhyped and overlooked by NFL '13 prognosticators, management made a bevy of questionable off-season acquistions. QB Ryguy Tannehill seems vaguely promising but a far cry from trustworthy after one season.   

4. New York Jets

• Former perennial AFC runners-up now find themselves locked in the cold AFC East basement. Indisputably one of the worst offenses in the league, the Jets not doing themselves any favors by stringing the Sanchize along. 

AFC NORTH  

Your AFC North champs.

1. Cincinnati Bengals

• The bona-fide big cats of this gruff division, if not the AFC. This defense will outclass former-big-brothers-turned-washed-up-townies Baltimore and Pittsburgh, but can QB Andy Dalton win some playoff games with expectations raised? 

2. Baltimore Ravens

• I suppose my opinion of the revamped defending champs' defense is a little skewed after I watched them give up 7 PASSING TOUCHDOWNS TO PEYTON MANNING ON OPENING NIGHT. No amount of coyness from multi-millionaire QB Joe Flacco will be able to make these blackbirds quite as fearsome as their brethren of yore. 

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

• The "Steel Curtain" is so 2005-2012. This town belongs to the Pirates!!!

4. Cleveland Browns 

• Remind me again why you'd take a 28-year-old quarterback in the first round of the NFL draft? At the risk of beating a dead horse, it's because you're the general manager of the Cleveland Browns (sorry). 

AFC SOUTH 

Even Bill Longley can't topple these greedy outlaws' rule.

 1. Houston Texans 

• These Texans are led by an unspectacular Matt Schaub at QB and a worn-down Arian Foster at RB, who complement a pretty good D. But they are allergic to advancing beyond the AFC divisional round. 

2. Indianapolis Colts 

• I am obliged to bow to the advanced statistics; they tell me Indy was extremely lucky last year and will regress. Shitty defense, but golden QB Andy Luck cuts down on the INTz.  

3. Jacksonville Jaguars

• A trendy pick to earn the number one overall pick in the 2014 NFL draft. QB bust Blaine Gabbert won't be around for the revolution, but their new analytically-minded (STATISTICS) front office take them about two baby steps forward in 2013.

4. Tennessee Titans

• Woefully uninspiring team that allowed the most points in the league last season and made next to no upgrades on sa(i)d defense. Chris Johnson is not the answer.  

AFC WEST

The rest of the AFC West doesn't stand a chance against these machines.

 1. Denver Broncos

• Yeah, Peyton Manning is still at top-3 quarterback. At WR and TE he has the two best Thomas TD threats in the league.

2. San Diego Chargers

• Egghead coach Norv Turner is finally gone, they blew five halftime leads in '12, and QB Phil Rivers is gritty/pissed off at haters. These things seem due for some correction (don't sleep on San Diego).

3. Kansas City Chiefs 

• One year ago, their 2013 acquisitions at coach, Andy Reid, and at QB, Alex Smith, were two of the most heavily mocked dudes in the league. Now they're franchise saviors?

4. Oakland Raiders

• They are a black hole. 

NFC EAST 

Soaring back into 2nd place.

 1. Washington Redskins

• Nothing else needs to be said about their dangerous young offense. What will be key to a wire-to-wire division title is a healthy, consistent, underrated d-fence.  

2. Philadelphia Eaglez 

• 2012 felt like everything that could go wrong did; it was a very emo year. With a newfound identity in wild-card coach Chip Kelly's hi-speed chase offense, confidence is reborn.

3. New York Giants 

• This is not a championship defense. Also, Eli Manning will never be consistent enough to earn the unconditional love of Giants fans. 

4. Dallas Cowboys

• This feels like the year that they stop middling around at 8-8 and have it all fall apart. A roster of stars with no depth will crumble sooner rather than later.

  NFC NORTH 

Pondering the possibility of 2nd place.

 1. Green Bay Packers 

• Any slight, perceived or otherwise motivates Aaron Rodgers and this off-season his leadership style was challenged by former teammate Greg Jennings. The Pack will cruise to the NFC North title on the best quarterback in the league's psychotic shoulders.  

2. Detroit Lions

• The Lions lost a shitload of nailbiters last season. Some better luck on defense and an even more balanced offense will lead to a Detroit season that resembles their 10-6 campaign of 2011. 

3. Minnesota Vikings 

• Adrian Peterson is the hungriest football player Earth has ever seen. That said, the Vikings' 2012 good fortune will even out as not many reinforcements were brought in for AP's team. 

 4. Chicago Bears

• Success is the modern-day NFL is primarily attained with high-flying offenses. Da Bears' stellar defense won't carry them out of the basement in this stacked division. 

NFC SOUTH 

Suddenly atop the NFC South.

1. Carolina Panthers

• This team had some of the best offensive and defense rankings of 2012, but finished 7-9. Massive talent will trump 2012's bad luck and terrible coaching and the black cats will surprise the NFL. 

2. New Orleans Saints 

• No off-season scandal this year, only QB Drew Brees's high-octane offense and a full year of genius coach Sean Payton. But their awful defense will hold them back from the promised land.

3. Atlanta Falcons 

• In a division known for topsy-turvyness, Atlanta will be this year's victims. Overachievers in '12, a questionable defense and bad coaching will ground the dirty birds. 

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

• The NFC's Chiefs. Overhyped off-season, and still the least talented team in this rough division.

NFC WEST 

Last place in the NFC West.

1. Seattle Seahawks

• Mark my words today, 9/7/13. QB Russell Wilson is the next Tom Brady and the decade of the 2010's will belong to the next NFL dynasty, the Seattle Seahawks. 

2. San Francisco 49ers

• The NFC West had a 7-9 division winner in 2010 and were a longtime punchline. The joke is now on the rest of the NFL and the NFC West is home to the most challenging and exciting division rivalry in the league, Seattle/San Fran. 

3. St. Louis Rams 

• About 3 tiers below the big boys of the west, QB Sam Bradford refuses to take the next step in his career's progression and St. Lou is stuck in NFL purgatory. 

4. Arizona Cardinals 

• Absolutely anemic, historically bad offense has to improve per laws of physics. Decent defense, but only a Ram regression will save them from the cellar.    

PLAYOFFS 
Wild-card round

• Texans over Bills, Patriots over Ravens 
• 49ers over Packers, Panthers over Lions 

Divisional round 

• Bengals over Texans, Broncos over Patriots   
• Seahawks over 49ers, Panthers over Redskins  

Conference Championships 

• Bengals over Broncos 
• Seahawks over Panthers 

Super Bowl

• Seahawks over Bengals 

Don't forget to bookmark this page in order to throw it in my face come early February. Thank you for reading these words and enjoying these pictures.